>> Just had to post this. It had me laughing so hard I couldn't finish reading it till I stopped _____________________________________________________
>>INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
>>
>>
>>Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting
>>Texas from the East Coast:
>>Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
>>The original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be
>>standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
>>when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
>>Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told
>>me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
>>scorecards from the event:
>>
>>
>>CHILI #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
>>
>>JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
>>
>>JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>
>>FRANK: Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
>>paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
>>hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>
>>
>>CHILI #2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
>>
>>JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
>>
>>JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>>
>>FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am
>>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
>>to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
>>saw the look on my face.
>>
>>
>>CHILI #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>>
>>JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
>>
>>JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>
>>FRANK: Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
>>have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more
>>beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
>>in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all the beer.
>>
>>
>>CHILI #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>>
>>JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>
>>JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>>other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
>>
>>FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
>>taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? The Barmaid was standing
>>behind me with fresh refills, that 300 pound b**ch is starting to look HOT
>>just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>
>>
>>CHILI #5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>>
>>JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>
>>JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
>>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>
>>FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
>>longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
>>had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
>>beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
>>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
>>Screw those rednecks.
>>
>>
>>CHILI #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>>
>>JUDGE ONE: This, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>>spice and peppers.
>>
>>JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
>>Superb.
>>
>>FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filed with gaseous, sulfuric
>>flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I was worried it will eat through
>>the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
>>Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
>>need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>>
>>
>>CHILI #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENATION CHILI
>>
>>JUSGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>>
>>JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>>chili peppers at the last minute. I should take note that I am worried
>>about Judge #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>>uncontrollably.
>>
>>FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
>>feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
>>it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
>>unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match
>>my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
>>I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
>>getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
>>the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>>
>>
>>CHILI #8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVERS CHILI
>>
>>JUSGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
>>not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>>
>>JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili. Neither mild nor
>>hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell
>>over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
>>going to make it.
>>
>>
>>>
Just had to post this. It had me laughing so hard I couldn't finish reading it till I stopped_____________________________________________________
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